p. 179?

Yup. I'm having a William S. Burroughs moment. Props if you know the reference or find it.

Your Need to "Remember" Shouldn't Trump My Desire to "Forget"

People keep feeding the dark by dumping so much energy into commemorating bad things. Doesn't that effectively give the victory to the trouble makers? How much better it would be to move on, hmm?

Of COURSE i remember, too. My career pretty much ended before it ever began. I spent a lifetime preparing for a profession i no longer felt confident to participate in (at least not in the "traditional" way). I spent the next 11 years trying to earn back the salary i lost when i walked away. I still struggled with my professional identity (or perceived lack thereof) for the better part of the decade. I made my choices, lived with the consequences, and accept that while i'm not where i hoped to be by now, I am where I am, I do what I do, I still try to love an honor all my neighbors, and I both hope and work for a better world every day. I'm not ignorant or insensitive, but I don't find it healthy to relive trauma repeatedly nor to wear it like a special badge after initial recovery begins. I wish each person health, happiness and hope, not misery, broken tapes and negative feedback loops.

When I Get to 50

I won't have to buy a diamond because i'll be one from all this pressure.

I Need a Scapegoat and Some Clones

The other night i was thinking it would be great if i had more hours each day to accomplish things. Then i remembered how when i had a campus "break" my professors would inevitably assign more reading or writing to use that time. I feel that is what life does now--there is always someone who needs or wants just one more thing, and it seems like everyone wants Tuesdays! I get so frustrated, because I find it physically impossible to be everywhere i wish i could at any given hour. I get angry with myself, because in those moments when i realize i cannot be everywhere, i often drop my personal appointments to honor someone else's perceived crisis, whim, or unscheduled question. I get angry because i don't know why it is so difficult for me to exert my boundaries and ask other people to respect my needs. I consider myself fairly "low maintenance" so i resent it that much more when i finally make a choice and then dishonor it by allowing someone or something else to overlap that time, space, or other resource.

I need a scapegoat so i can make excuses until i can simply state my needs.

I need some clones because no one else picks up my responsibilities if i check out, so i need a way to catch up after the meetings, added tasks, and re-dos.

Awwww

Sweetest wrong number dial ever--sounds like a little kid trying to call grandma. Thanks, google voice for the giggle when i tried comparing your attempt at the transcript with the actual message.

Earthquake!

Dude said the earth moved.  I didn't feel a thing.

VENTING

     I cannot even begin to describe how angry I get with myself for continuing to try so hard to accommodate others. It starts from a place of genuine concern and desire to be helpful. Then it festers into growing resentment over lost time, lost opportunities, lack of reciprocity, and lack of respect or appreciation. My perpetual problem is that I still give a damn. I wish I could learn to stop, but i know and fear what i would become if i ever did.